Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Ho Ho Ho Halloween

Halloween promises to be scarier than usual...
instead of being eerily dark and scary...
it will be eerily white and even scarier.

This Halloween...feels more like Christmas...
but without the presents, christmas carols, and fruitcake doorstop.

Apparently Mother Nature wanted to play a part in the holiday so she pulled a trick...
dumping major SNOW...
knocking out power, blocking roads, and cancelling flights...
but left NO treat. 
I don't know whether to laugh, cry, hoot, or howl.

I'm getting too old for this weather especially before Halloween. 
Heck, even the jack-o-laterns look like they have aged with a little snow on their roofs.


The foot of snow and downed power lines bestowed on us by Mother Nature will certainly make it
tricky for trick-or-treaters.

But kids don't mind...
they are like the Post Office...
"Neither snow, nor rain, nor gloom of night" 
will keep the the little devils from showing up at your house for their sugar habit.

I'm wondering if we'll see any Santa or reindeer trick-or-treaters tonight. 
In keeping with the winter theme...
I'm thinking of passing out hand warmers, snow shovels, and last  year's fruitcake. 
Trick or Treat?

I don't know about you...but I've had it with Ms. Mother Nature.
Hey, let's say we get together with our own little treat...
let's toilet paper and egg her house tonight.
I'll bring the T.P.


Happy Ho Ho Ho Halloween.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Power of the Anywho

One thing I like about writing a blog...
Other than the constant adoration from fans.
Is the process.  
The process of writing.

  When I beginning writing...
I don’t always know where it will take me...
where I will end up. 
That’s the fun part. 

I begin on topic and then frequently have a change of topic.

I like to think that I find my way back around....
a full circle - 360 degrees,
but most times I find myself at  180 degrees...
a straight bee line to who-in-god-knows-where.

Hence the Anywho........

The Anywho is my blog enabler. 

I begin on one topic and when I feel a change of direction coming...
because I ,
got nothing more to say...
the anywhooooo......
let’s me move into another direction.  

It brings my blog from a line of B.S. to a full circle work of literary art.
But there are times I don’t know when to stop writing...
and I end up with multiple revolutions.
360, 720, 1180
Boy, am I getting dizzy.


I once knew a man from Nantucket,
who said Kat I can’t believe how you chuck it.

Your blog starts from here
And goes to nowhere

You’ve been doing this four years,
who would have thunk it.

Ahhhh the power of the Anywhoooooo...
it allows me to sneak in a Nantucket Limmerick
 that was screaming to get katOUT.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Laptop Spill

What’s faster than a speeding bullet?

This Kat...

after spilling coffee on my laptop keyboard.

The mere thought of ruining my laptop after I paid Mr. Staples to debug it ...
really bugged me.
I knew I had to act save it.
So I sprung, sprang, springed into action…………

I ran into the kitchen,
pulled off 400 sheets of the quicker picker-upper…
and sprinted back to my ailing laptop.

I could feel my heart racing and adrenaline flowing through my veins.

All the while…

I kept praying my poor laptop would make it through this ordeal.
The thought of losing software and hardware left me nowhere…
we had been so personal through the years. 
“Pleeease laptop, Please stay with me.
Hang in there....I’m here for you.”

I worked quickly applying paper towel compresses…
holding it tight to the keyboard crevices to help minimize seepage.

Then I realized…it needed additional technical attention....
But what?

Quick, Kat...blow on it...get a fan.


I worked feverishly to save my laptop...

And I waited for a response...
any response.

I carefully and methodically tested each key.

"Please dear laptop ...Please respond.
Let me know you're okay?
Give me a sign.
Any sign."

Then it happened…
the cursor appeared and began blinking at me.
One blink...followed by another. 




Evidently my laptop had crossed over to the other side for a few seconds...
but crossed back to me.

this wasn’t the time for my laptop to go.


Monday, October 24, 2011

What's Up, Doc?

Halloween is only a week away, so

You never know what freak will be on the prowl to Trick you for a Treat.

Phillip Winikoff, 81, was accused of doing just that.

Winikoff posed as a doctor…
making door-to-door "house calls" in a Fort Lauderdale apartment complex.
He conned his way into 2 women’s homes and performed fake breast exams…
(the exams were fake, silly…
not the breasts. )

The jig was up for the doctor...
(What's up, Doc?)
…when during the exam…
his hands wandered off track.


Winikoff was charged with three counts of sexual battery,
two counts of practicing medicine without a license,
two counts of simple battery,
and one count of using the title of doctor without a license.

The women…were each charged with 
one count of Stupidity.

Hopefully they passed their breast exams,
because they certainly FLUNKED the common sense exam.

Winikoff received a plea deal in lieu of a possible 55 years in jail.
I wonder what line of bull the creep used during his rounds…

Knock, Knock….

"Hello, I’m the breast examiner.
I’m here to feel you up...
no, I mean cop a feel…
no, I mean examine your breasts."

By the time the first woman called the cops, the “Doctor” was already onto Patient #2.
(Hey, when you’re a doc…
you never want to fall behind in your appointment schedule.)


Winikoff was probably allowed into their apartments because he was carrying the
little black doctor’s bag...
(found at Walmart complete with stethoscope in the Toy Dept.)

Obviously, it was the doctor’s bag that made him look official.

I remember the last time I saw a doctor carrying a black bag…
it was Doc Adams on 'Gunsmoke'…

Apparently, nothing says …
"Come on in…
I’ll take my shirt off…
and you can touch my breasts"…
better than a black doctor’s bag.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The End

This could be it....
the end of katOUT
(no applause, please.)

Some time today...
My blinking blog cursor could come to a screeching halt.

Wait, Kat...did you get a job and become a productive member of society?
(Nawww...nothing that dramatic.)

Apparently Today is...


In case ya haven’t heard...
Today is Doomsday...
per Harold Camping, a 90 year old Family Radio evangelist.

I’m so bummed the end of the world comes on a Friday.
I was so looking forward to the weekend.
Ya think it could have waited until Monday.
No one likes Mondays.


Camping also wrongly predicted that last May 21st
would be the “end of the world,”
but apparently that was just a fire drill...a false alarm.
(They do say it’s always important to practice the end of the world...
before you get hit with the real one.)

So what did Harold Camping have to say on May 22nd...
after he woke up, scratched his balls...
and saw everything was the same as the day before?
His words were “flabbergasted.”
I would say he was...full of "flabber"...and "gas."

Unfortunately for his gullable 'followers'...after they woke up and scratched
their heads...
they wondered why they listened to a crackpot Evangeloser...
and sold all their worldy possessions. 

So if my blogging curser is still blinking on Monday...
you will have more days of this Kat (to put up with)...

But only until December 21, 2012.
That is when the Mayans are predicting THE END OF THE WORLD.

Until then...Let's party like it's 1999!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Car Wash Yea

What’s as much fun as a ride at Disney?
Loved by young and old?
BIG excitment for $6.99?

The Car Wash.
(A wax job will cost ya extra.)

Don’t cha love taking your car through an automatic car wash?
For an admission price of < 10 bucks…
your car is showered and shampooed...
while you go along for a 3 minute joyride.

(Geez Kat, doesn’t take much to entertain you.)

Back in the day...whenever I took my car through the car wash...
I had to make sure the kids were with me.
Otherwise, I felt guilty experiencing sudsy fun without them.
(Okay, I confess. I may have snuck in a couple of trips while they were in school,
but I tried not to enjoy myself...too much.)

As we rode through the tunnel...
the anticipation of each stage of the cleaning...was part of our fun......

"Watch comes the Hurricane...

Now the Hula girls....aloha oh the gentle rain

Here comes the giant hair dryer............."


Not everyone is agreeable to the car wash experience.
There are those who don’t want anyone touching their car, but themselves.
(Wait, I wrote that right...didn’t I?)

They wouldn’t think of entering an automatic car wash and risk a ding.
They love their cars so much they aren't even afraid to show a little PDA...
as they rub them,
and carress them.

There is no way they will let anyone put a hand on their prized possesion...
especially any dingaling...
or local fundraising high school kid.

Their car is an extension of themselves....
No one...gets privy to their baby...
or lays a hand on their private property .

With one exception....

the bikini wash.


Unlike rides at Disney...

With the automatic car wash...
you don't have to grow old in a long line,
hear "It's a Small World" a million times,
or pay through the nose.....
to have a good time.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Kardashian Fascination

Somebody tell me.....

What the hell is the fascination with the Kardashians?
I don’t get it? What am I missing?

Who are these people?

What are their talents?

Where did they come from?

Why do we need to know about them?

(Somebody slap me silly...not too hard...
I may have just exceeded the question maximum.)

Admittedly this Kat is normally dogging it in the slow lane...
but I finally figured out the Kardashian fascination.

When I saw the trio of Kardashian sisters as guests on “The View”...
it hit me why the Kardashians grab attention wherever they go. has to do with the Kardasian curves..
K-curves...and K-cups.

Figuratively and literally speaking, from what I saw...
Kim Kardashian's K-cups were on View...front and center.
She gives full and ample meaning to "K-cups."

I can see Kim promoting a new K line.....
"Now at K-mart...the K-cup...
designed to shape, support, separate...and salivate."


Speaking of K-cups....I, too, have ample K-cups...
for my Keurig coffee maker.

Ahhh...the K-cup....
A piping hot cup of coffee, which is actually good tasting.
The ease and convenience of the Keurig is remarkable.
Why the hell didn’t I think of it?
(Remember Kat, you’re stuck in the slow lane)

oKay now...

Sorry for today’s rant............

I need to take a moment...
sit back, chillax,
 and get my hands on a K-cup....

(Wait, that’s what he said.)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Similar BUT Different to 'Whitey' Bulger

What does Whitey Bulger (Ten Most Wanted) and his girlfriend, Catherine Greig

have in common with
myself and PaulA?
(No cracks about being similar in looks.)

Oddly enough, we are both...similar but different.

Similar...we travel in the same circles.


Different...we are not on the FBI Top Ten List...
although I haven’t checked lately.

Maybe you aren’t familiar with Whitey Bulger.
Well, Whitey is a bad guy.
How bad?
After Osama Bin Laden was killed, Whitey Bulger was moved to the TOP
of the Most Wanted List.
That’s pretty freaking bad.

Whitey is a big time mobster from South Boston with a long, deadly rap sheet...
and a fugitive of the law (along with his gf) for the last 16 years.

But the FBI
has finally captured that Whitey ass.


Let’s get back to my teaser before the “anywhooooooo” .......

Apparently last year PaulA and I were a stone’s throw from Whitey.
When we visited Santa Monica, Calif. our hotel was one block away from the apartment where
Whitey and his gal pal have been holed up for 16 years.
We probably walked right by them on the sidewalk.
Too bad I never studied the Most Wanted poster at the Post Office....otherwise,
I’d be in the money.
 A monetary reward was given to the observant woman who tipped off the FBI.
The only tip I had for the FBI was “wear your bullet proof vest in a shoot out.”

Apparently we can’t get away from this guy...
a captured Whitey is our neck of the woods...
in a jail cell in Plymouth, MA...across from the Home Goods store I frequent.

The killer is (great choice of words)...
If I had kept my eyes wide opened and was more observant...
I’d be 2 million dollars richer...
and I would be holed up right now...
in Home Goods.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Happy Birthday to ME

I don’t mind singing “Happy Birthday to YOU”…

but singing "Happy Birthday to ME"


It's so much more fun…funner…
when other people turn old.

I remember when I was young…
I used to think people who are my age right now were ancient.

Now these oldies are my homies, my cronies, my peeps…
get down tonight.

Today my birthday forecast is for light rain….no worries…
I refuse to let it rain on my PARADE.
my birthday horocope is for love, riches, and massive number of  blog readers…

The best thing about having a birthday is hearing from everyone.
Now with Facebook, Twitter, text, email, and voicemail…
it is rare to get a card in the mail...
although ancient Kat still likes occasional snail mail.

I did get a call from a man (George Something) at a car dealership I bought our car from last fall,
wishing me a "Happy Birthday!"
(So touching, makes me want to run out and buy another car.)


Here’s a sobering thought…

When you have a birthday…you really are in the next year of your life.

When you are born…you are not 1…
but 1day…then… 1 month, 2 months, 3 months…
until you turn 1.

Alas…when you turn 20…
you are in your 21st year.
(Although I wouldn’t try that line of reasoning, Wishy, until next June.)

It’s probably a good thing we stop counting months at age 2….

Otherwise, YIKES….

This Kat would be 1000+ months…
too many months to count!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Rooney's Rant Retires

Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick

The “tick” I’m referring to is the sound of Andy Rooney’s final minutes
on 60 Minutes.

Did you happen to see Andy Rooney's final piece/last gasp?

Andy's last hurrah, for me,
felt more like...hooray.”

I admit, I have mixed feelings about Andy’s departure.

The traditionalist in me will miss the curmudgeon
we've all grown accustomed to seeing every Sunday evening.
But, the scoffer in me will NOT miss his weekly RANT.

You think Oscar the Grouch lives on Sesame Street?
I swear there is a trash can outside the 60 Minutes studio with the words:
“Andy the Grouch Lives Here. Don’t Make Me Flip My Lid.”

His segment... “A Few minutes with Andy Rooney”
was like sitting down with a crotchety, cantankerous, crabby not-so great grandfather.
At 93, it probably was about time Andy retired.
 I think anyone at age 93, working their day job, should be forced into a time out.


Andy Rooney has had a dream job for 30+ years.
Who wouldn’t want a job where you could spew and spout for 3 minutes
about anyone and anything that gets under your skin?

Heck, hire me for the dream job.
We’ll call it “A Few Minutes in Kat’s Krappy Korner.”

I already have my first commentary ready.
Here is goes.....

“You know what bothers me?
Old guys with wild and unruly eyebrows.
Take Andy Rooney’s bushy eyebrows. (Please)

Why did we have to look at those white squirrels for eyebrows, all those years?
 I found them very distracting; scampering above his eyes.
There had to be a stylist at 60 Minutes
who could have
tamed them and shaped them into something smaller...
maybe a couple of cute chipmunks.

Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick

Wait, is that the sound of my commentary...
about to bomb?

Monday, October 10, 2011

Thank You Christopher Columbus

If you have today off from work or have Christopher Columbus to thank.
School kids everywhere are doing a
hap, hap, happy dance
for their extra long weekend.

We all remember the story of Christopher Columbus,
the man considered to be the discoverer of America.
Who could forget the rhyme that was drilled into our heads as elementary kids?
“In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”

But elementary kids should also understand that when the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria came ashore
to what is now the Bahamas
there were thousands of inhabitants already on the island...
welcoming Columbus,
like a Walmart greeter:

“Hi, Welcome to the Bahamas, mon.
How may I help you?”

Let’s also not overlook the fact that the Vikings had explored the North American coast
500 years before Columbus.
(What’s in your wallet?)

Although it is hard to claim discovery of an already inhabited land,
the Columbus expedition did result in the first intertwining of Europe with the Americas.
(Okay, mon?)


Here is my version of the Christopher Columbus poem......

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

It’s said Columbus discovered America, a brand new land
New to him, but not the inhabitants watching from the sand.

A Columbus discovery of America, is soaking wet
A lot like Al Gore, inventing the internet.

Enjoy your day off today
and remember to thank Christopher Columbus.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Tale of Two Stanleys


Another hockey season is already upon us.
It seems like the 2011 Stanley Cup Final was just played.

The Boston Bruins...along with goalie, Tim Thomas (a fellow UVM alum)
were the Stanley Cup goons....
I mean, Stanley Cup winners.
Woo hooo...Boston Bruins.

Each year, every player on the winning team is given the privilege
of spending personal time with the coveted trophy ...
with absolutely NO funny business allowed.

The players each look forward to their time with Slippery Stan.
Stanley's been to places like Vegas and Atlantic City....
been flying, clubbing, swimming, partying, drinking, boating.....

The Stanley Cup gets around the block as much as the otha playa,
Tiger Woods,
before his wife clubbed some sense into him...
and ended all his funny business.


Even though I've never spent time with Stanley's cup...
I mean, the Stanley Cup...
I've had some special moments with another Stanley....
Flat Stanley.

You know...Flat Stanley....the colored piece of cut-out paper...
 from the book written by Jeff Brown.

One day I received Flat Stanley in the mail from my niece with the assignment
to take him with me during my travels
and later send him back with a letter describing Stanley's adventures...
(so she could then report back to her 3rd grade class.) 

I was under some real pressure to entertain a piece of paper.

Seeing the Great Wall of China wasn't on my travel schedule...
I slipped Flat Stanley into my purse and headed to another Notable destination
Fenway Park in Boston.

I promptly propped Stanley up in all sordid places and positions and took pics of him.
And I made sure that Stanley was returned to sender, just as flat as I received him....
no wrinkles, rips, or crinkles on my Flat Stanley watch.

Maybe it's just me...but I can't help but notice the similarities between...

Flat Stanley and the Stanley Cup
They both
are carried around to many different locations,
are frequently photographed, 
are required to be returned in good shape,

AND are often times handled by goons...
with a few missing teeth.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Two-Faced Cat

We've all heard the unattractive expression "two-faced"...
but woah...
this pic gives the expression a multi-faceted meaning.

Meet Frank 'n Louie,
the oldest living Two-Faced Cat.

(By the way, Kibbles 'n Bits to the owner
for coming up with such a clever name.
A cat with two faces rightfully deserves two formidable names.
Although...I'm thinking Frank 'n Stein might have been more appropriate.)

I can just picture the facial expressions of horror
whenever a stranger bends down to pet Frank 'n Stein...
Oh yea right...Frank 'n Louie.

The cat's face doesn't exactly scream "TAKE ME HOME."
Actually, that's more like what you'd scream after one good look.
Let's face it (yes, you have to)...
one close look at this cat's face and most would do an about-face,
outta there.

I'm sure Frank 'n Louie is a sweet and cuddly tabby, but clearly....
the cat has a face only an owner could love.


Apparently 12 years is a long time for a two-faced cat to live.
Hence, Frank 'n Louie is listed in the Guinness World Book of Records.
I don't get the big deal. Everyone knows a cat has 9 lives...
so according to my calculations, a cat with 2 faces must easily get 18 years.

Actually, the two-faced cat shouldn't be that much of a surprise to us.

Aren't we used to seeing two-faced cats in Washington...
all the time?????


(ps.  No two-faced KAT comments allowed.)

Monday, October 3, 2011

30 Years "So Happy Together"

I have been hitched, tied, and attached to my ball and chain
for 30 years...

whew, that’s a long time.
(I find it interesting that words referring to marriage are so torturous.)

Being the traditionalists that we are...
PaulA and I will be observing our special anniversary traditions...
which include wearing my wedding dress.
(That would be me wearing the dress...not PaulA. PaulA wears a larger dress size.)

It may sound a little strange, but I put my wedding dress on every anniversary.
(During my preggo years, I left it wide open in the back.) 

(Big are in there somewhere.)
I haven’t exactly taken special care of my wedding gown.
The most I’ve done to preserve it is to store it in a blue Rubbermaid container in our basement.
I have to admit, my dress has faded and is not as white as it used to be.
But then again, I’m a little faded and not as bright as I used to be.

So this evening PaulA and I will be dancing to our special song “Something So Right”
sung by Barbra Streisand.
Barbra won’t be in the room with us...but I like to pretend she is.

Back when our kids were little, they would sit on the couch
and watch with wide-eyed we waltzed around the family room.
(Dancing with the we come.)
A few years later...they’d sit on the same couch,
roll their eyes, and make jeering comments….
“You actually wore that dress on your wedding day? That’s how you guys danced?”

Now they call us asking,
“You wore your wedding dress and danced to your song, right?”


The icing on the wedding cake (yum), is PaulA’s card.
I always look forward to his card …which is so beautifully written.
Hallmark eat your own cake.
That is when I cry….a nice happy cry....
not the ugly, snot bubble-through-the-nostrils cry.

So if you peek in our windows tonight…(I’m calling the cops)...
you’re sure to get a glimpse of Kat and PaulA still doing
“Something So Right.”

My dress may have faded...but our love
still sparkles.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hello October

Hello October...

Where did September go?

It is SCARY how fast time flies.




(sorry for the nightmares, Big C.)